Do you have children that are grown but it seems like yesterday that they were small and cuddling you in your chair? It seems like within a few minutes they are grown, and you find out that you are not getting along, and you argue over everything.
You think they hate you, but hate is something that is a strong word and is something that means having intense dislike for someone. This idea of hate makes you feel that your child, the one that you devoted your time and life to, hates you but you don’t know what happened to cause him to feel that way. What did you do and how do you fix it? Here are some reasons that your son might be upset with you:
Being Right
Everyone has different thoughts and opinions and when you have different experiences, you might feel that you are always right. This can turn on you if you are always telling your son that you are right, and he is wrong. Accept them for who they are and allow them to be right sometimes.
Boundaries
Parents that have adult children that are angry might be in a bad relationship because they are not respecting the boundaries that their children set. This can cause the relationship to be toxic. One example is marriage, if your son is married and you judge his new wife, it will cause a fight.
Even though you are still the parent, you have to let them go and set boundaries. They are adults now and you need to wait to be asked before you give advice. If you are emotionally attached to your son, you can still be this without obsessing over them and being harmful and hurtful to them.
Who They Are?
Everyone changes and gets older. With age becomes differences and if your son is being different, know that he isn’t a kid anymore. Stop thinking that your son is the same as he was when he was small or when he was in school. He may have future plans that surprise you.
Divorce
If your son were a witness to a bad divorce in your home, this could be a reason he is still angry before you. Divorce can be something that is hurtful to the children for years. Try to figure out what caused him to be upset, was it going between homes or not having his other parent there? Ask him how he feels no matter how old he is and listen.
Letting Them Lead
This is an important thing to try to change if you are dealing with an adult son. Never make choices for them and only give your advice if they ask for it. Let them walk on their own journey.
Listen but Don’t Hear
As parents it is sometimes hard to pay attention to our kids the way that they want us to. If you have a kid that is an adult and you ask them something or you ask them how they are feeling, listen until they finish talking. Do not try to finish what they are saying and do not over talk them.
Here are some ways to help your adult son not be mad at you:
Shape the Relationship
Your children that have become adults have their own ideas and their thoughts about how the relationship should be. Even if things change, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or he doesn’t want to be around you. Allow him to change and to grow and go with it. Let him heal along the way.
Competing
You will never be able to compete with your adult child’s spouse, so don’t try. Learn to love them and respect them and if he is having problems, do not try to fix it or talk about her until he wants to talk to you. He will go through things and you need to be there to listen only.
Adult
Learn to treat your adult son like an adult. He is no longer a little boy and you have to stop trying to treat him like he is one. He needs to be independent and learn to grow.
Feeding Anger
You might feel upset with your son for how he is being towards you but do not act out on anger towards him. This will sometimes drive them further away. Learn to be friendly and to be helpful. Allow him to figure out why he is upset with you and then forgive yourself for things you did wrong. He will come around when he is ready.
Focus on You
Instead of focusing on your son being upset, try to focus on making yourself better. You have to forgive him, and he needs to forgive you, but you are still the parent and you need to be the adult.
Be active and do things that can help your mind and body. You are going through chances too and you need to make sure you work towards your own healing.
Say Sorry
Even if you don’t feel that you are wrong, say you are sorry and ask him to forgive you. Even when things are small, you want your son to feel that you love him and that you are seeking his love back. You are the parent, and you have to know that he will go through things and you will regret things from the past. Have open communication and apologize if you need to. Here are some ways how:
- Be responsible for your own feelings.
- Explain why you did what you did and apologize for it.
- Say you are sorry for what you did.
- Know what they are feeling and respect that.
- Share how you will not let it happen again.
- Ask him to forgive you.
- Focus on fixing things.
Support
If your son tells you he hates you, it will upset you and break your heart, but you can fix this. You might need to have someone step in like a counselor or someone that you can talk to. Consider joining a support group and talking to a therapist.
Dealing with Disrespect
If your son is disrespecting you as an adult, you have to not allow this to happen. If your son disrespects you for no reason, you might have to cut them out of your life of ra while. You have to use tough love sometimes.
You need to make sure that there are no mental health issues and if there are, you need to get your son help. Sometimes disrespect comes from substance abuse and if this is the case, you need to figure this out and help your son to get help.
Letting Go
If your child is out to hurt you and is emotionally abusive to you, you need to remove them from your life for a while. Get rid of the toxic energy and find happiness.
Abandonment
Children sometimes will leave their parents for many reasons. They do this sometimes if they don’t want to follow rules or if they want to be in control of their own life. This is a normal thing, but it can be hurtful for parents.
Parents need to pay attention if there is a mental health or if your child has medical conditions that are causing him to act a certain way.
If you have not talked to your child for a while, try to find out where they are.
Disrespect
Young people are sometimes disrespectful because they are trying to figure out who they are. There is no excuse for it, but it does happen. Mental health issues can cause this to happen too including mood disorders.
Sometimes people are just mean and sometimes they cause a negative path wherever they go.
Signs of Disrespect
One sign of disrespect is lying. If your child is lying to you, they might have a mood disorder. This can be something that is a form of disrespect.
Fixing Them
If you want to fix the relationship between you and your son, be strong and be loving. If your relationship has hurt you and your family, you might need to see a therapist to help you and your family through it.
All members probably need to go to the counselor if you seek help.
How Long Can Estrangement Last?
There is no real answer as to how long your dissention between you and your son will last. This could be weeks or even years, it all depends on what happened and how they are willing to let you work on fixing it. This could last forever.
If you want to see the relationship fixed, you can agree to not fight and to see each other peacefully.
Calling Mom
Each family is different, and some mothers hope that their children will call them each day, but some do not do this. Some just do short texts and some call every day because they love to talk.
If you haven’t seen your son for a while, call them and see if they are doing good. Maybe they need to have some guidance or maybe it is their birthday, and you want to call them or see them to celebrate with them.
